A Divisive Declaration, via Email

From: Mark G
Sent: Mon 1/28/2013 8:48 AM
To: Mikey Mike
Subject: FW: are you my TRUE friend?

Mike, any idea what sent our old buddy off the deep end?  See below … did you receive this too?

Mark

-----Original Message-----

From: Roderick P
Sent: Mon 1/28/2013 5:55 AM
To: undisclosed-recipients
Subject: are you my TRUE friend?

Dear Friends,

It's come to my attention that certain people comprising a growing minority (or perhaps, by now, a majority) have been swayed by some nebulous, evil force(s) to take away what's rightfully mine and yours, and that while I've fought and will continue to fight with all of my power against this egregious infringement upon my and your unalienable rights, some of you either do not see what's happening as a threat (in other words, you're stupid) or have conceded and joined the movement against me and also, in fact, against (though if you fall into this category, you wouldn't realize it) yourself (in other words, you're even more stupid than the first group I labeled as stupid earlier in this sentence, and you're dangerous too) or, perhaps worst of all, you do not even realize that what's happening is even happening (in other words, you're ignorant).

If you are receiving this email and you fall into any of the categories outlined above, then, kindly allow me to be clear: you are no longer my friend.

That's right, you read that last sentence right, those of you who fall into those categories outlined in the first paragraph above, you traitors.

I'm drawing a line in the sand. You're either with me or against me. If you're not my friend, you're my enemy. If you disagree with me, you're wrong. If you speak out against me, then the joke's on you (ha ha!) because, guess what? I'm not listening!

For all those receiving this email who do not fall into any of the categories outlined in the first paragraph above (which I believe are inclusive of all people with whom I vehemently disagree in this most important of matters, thereby leaving only those with whom I share an outlook and vision), then, kindly allow me to be clear: you are my brothers and sisters, and I love you all.

I'm pretty sure that through my own intuition, I already know where most of you stand, but just to be sure, if you have a free moment in the next couple of days (if you're on vacation or otherwise occupied for the next couple of days, then please reply at least within the next week (take up two weeks if you really, really need that much time)), please reply to this email and make your position known.

Sorry for the mass email, by the way.

Sincerely,

Roderick

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The Breast Milk Savings Plan

"Mark! Hey buddy!"

"Michael, hi, good to see you." The two old friends embraced.

"Been way too long, thanks for stopping by."

"Sure, thanks for having me."

"Come on in."

Mark stepped into the foyer of Michael's Bryn Mawr mansion, a multi-million dollar home in the Philadelphia suburbs. He tried to remember the last time he'd seen Michael, but couldn't.

"Gosh, Mike, this house is incredible."

"Thanks bro! Yeah, we like it, been here five years now."

"When's the last time we hung out?"

"Hmm, don't know, probably that first year after college?"

"Sounds about right. Time really flies."

"Well, I can understand why you never wanna leave the city, even though we're only a short drive away."

As Michael spoke, his wife walked in from an adjacent room. Immediately, inadvertently, Mark noticed that her chest was much, much bigger than he remembered, though she didn't seem to have gained weight elsewhere. He assumed she'd had an enlargement.

"Mark, hi honey! It's been, like, forever?!" she opened her arms and approached for a hug, which Mark accepted, her big bosom nearly sending him backward.

"Wow, Julie, you look great."

"Thanks! How have you been?"

"Good, still in the city. Same job, same house. Sheila sends her regards."

"Oh, thank goodness for that, so many of us move out to the Main Line nowadays, but the city's so much fun! I don't blame you guys for staying. Having all of this space," she did a little twirl in place, right arm raised with palm open, as if making a presentation, "isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"I'm sure it's nice."

"Sweety," Michael said, "don't you need to go feed Mikey and Christine?"

"Yes, you're right, I'll be down later, you two have fun." With a demure wave, Julie disappeared up the stairs.

Michael sighed and led his guest into a cozy room. "How about a beer?"

"Please."

He reached behind a large wooden bar, motioning for Mark to sit on a brown leather couch. The paisley wall papered walls were covered with family photos.

"How old are your kids now?" Mark asked.

"Good question! I forget sometimes." Michael laughed loudly at his little joke. "Just kidding, Michael Jr. is seven, Christine is five."

Mark looked at his watch: nine thirty. "They eat dinner pretty late, no?"

"Oh, yes, by general standards, that's true. But our kids are always starving around this time."

"Hmm, why's that?"

"Well, Mark," Michael hesitated, then continued, "take a look around this house."

Confused, Mark did as he was asked, conspicuously letting his eyes wander around the room and through its two doorways. Designer furniture, tasteful artwork everywhere.

"How much do you think this place and all of this stuff cost?"

"I don't know, Mike, a lot, I guess?"

"Yes, Mark, yes. A lot. So as our two children grew from being babies to toddlers and on from there, we figured out a way to afford this lifestyle and still be sure they're as healthy as possible."

Mark, now even more confused, the passion with which Michael spoke making him uncomfortable, waited for his old friend to finish.

"Let me tell you Mark, the taxes alone on this place are over $25,000 a year!"

"Wow, hefty."

"Yes, Mark, yes. Hefty indeed. For these reasons and more, Julie still breast feeds our children."

"Still … breast feeds them?"

"Yes, Mark, yes. Did you happen to notice how large her breasts are?"

"I did, I mean, no, but yes, kinda."

"Well, that's because this 9:30 meal is one of the largest of the day for both children, so she was practically overflowing! By the time she comes back downstairs, she'll be two bra sizes smaller."

"Oh, that's a big difference."

"Mark, have you ever tasted breast milk?"

"Not since around age one, but yes, I have."

"Well, let me tell you, it's delicious! And nothing is more nutritious. Cow's milk is so expensive nowadays! We don't buy it in this house anymore, buddy. There's no need." Michael winked as he spoke this last sentence, sending Mark into a dizzy state of disbelief.

Just then, Julie sauntered into the room. Mark noticed she'd changed clothes and though he couldn't be sure, her breasts did look smaller.

"Oh good, Mark, glad you're still here. Michael, there's a new episode of Girls on tonight, right?"

"Yes, sweety, sure is. Maybe Mark wants to watch with us?"

"You guys have HBO!" Mark exclaimed. 

Michael and Julie looked at each other and laughed. "Of course we have HBO! It's so worth it."

At this, Mark polished off his beer and placed the empty bottle on the bar. "Mike, it was great to see you. Julie, great to see you too, but I've got to get home."

"Oh, Mark, are you sure you have to go so soon?" Julie asked. "How about some homemade ice cream?"