The Bump Snob

The hot summer sun's rays bounced off the pavement, creating a sauna-like effect as Garret and Suki sauntered down 3rd Street, toward Market. Garret spaced out as Suki reminded him which of her friends they'd be meeting later that evening, and their conversation was about the same as any other they might've had when all of a sudden Suki startled him with a loud shriek.

"Woah, what?" Garret turned and saw Suki picking herself up off the ground, a small wheeled, high seated, uniformly sky blue painted bicycle on its side beside her. A youngish, unshaven man with long, wavy brown hair stood above her, apologizing profusely.

"What just happened?" Garret asked.

"Are you blind?" Suki barked at Garret. "Did you not just see this guy barrel into me on his bike?"

Garret looked at the apologizer, who stood with his hands up, palms out, shaking his head, now turning toward Garret, saying, "Bro, I'm so sorry, didn't even see you guys coming, the sun's so bright and I looked away for a moment-"

"Listen man," Garret said, cutting him short, "first of all, don't call me 'bro.' I don't even know you. Second of all, what's the matter with you?"

"Oh, man, nothing. I mean, I'm just really sorry."

Garret helped Suki to her feet. "You okay?" he asked.

"Sure, yes, I'm fine."

The biker emitted an audible sigh of relief, prompting Suki to turn toward him and glare. His look changed instantly to one of fear, clearly afraid of what she might say next.

She looked like she might explode. "What I want to know from you, Mr. Blind Biker Dude, is why in the world are you riding on the sidewalk? Especially up a small street like Church without a single car on it?"

Biker Dude shrugged. "Well, you know…."

Garret and Suki waited for him to continue, but he just stood there.

"No, we don't know!" Suki shouted. "Know what? Answer the question!"

"Well, the street's just so … bumpy." The guy looked down at Church Street's old stone and mortar surface.

"Bumpy? Are you kidding me? Dude, come on! Deal with it! It's a quiet street and a small one at that. Are you telling me you ride on the sidewalk right here because you don't like the uneven surface? What are you, some kind of bump snob or something?"

He shrugged again.

Garret shook his head, part of him wanting to berate the guy and part of him wanting to laugh. He decided to just get his girlfriend out of there. "Suki, forget this guy. The main thing is you're alright. Let's just go."

She shot Garret a disapproving look, but then began walking again toward Market, leaving the two men behind.

"Be more careful, man," Garret said as he went off to catch up with Suki.

"Sorry again, bro."

Garret looked back at the guy, over his shoulder. "Don't call me bro, bump snob!"

Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice

He descends down the stairwell like a dumbwaiter down its chute. Having taken rest in his small box of a hotel room, the bed barely fitting within its walls, he’s thirsty and eager to explore.

People speaking on cellular phones make faces. On bicycles they grimace. On the tram they smile. Expressionless while walking.

The man moves without any sense of direction, observing everyone and everything he sees. Individuals draw him toward their space: musicians to their sound, merchants to their wares, beggars to their cups.

A boat floats beneath crooked buildings:

His thirst reaching unbearable levels, he chooses a random shop. A quick peek at the menu. “Orange juice, please.”

A barista nods and turns around and makes it fresh on a small machine. He gulps it all down without stopping for breath, pays and goes on his way.

For a while all he notices are Asian and Argentine restaurants:

A man approaches him with arm extended. “Excuse me, are you on facebook?” he asks.

“Excuse me?”

“No, excuse me, please, are you on facebook?”

“Do you mean right now?”

“Ha ha, very funny,” the man hands him a card, “please ‘like’ our page when you have time.”

He accepts the card and continues roaming the streets. They have everything here, he thinks. Every culture, every virtue, every vice. Some of it’s free, some of it’s for sale, but it’s all here and available.  We can take it or leave it.