Drew's Diet

“Do you drink?”

“Socially.  Few times a week.”

“Do you smoke?”

“No.”

“How’s your diet?

“I’m not on a diet.”

“I mean, what do you eat?”

“Oh.  You know.  All kinds of stuff.”

“Like?”

“I don’t know . . . roast pork sandwiches, wings, cheesesteaks, pizza steaks, pepperoni steaks, soft pretzels, cheese fries, crab fries, Spanish fries, potato chips, popcorn, pizza, fried chicken, waffles, pancakes, French toast, hoagies – usually Italian, eggs, sausage, bacon, grilled cheese and bacon, donuts, pastries, mozzarella cheese sticks, chicken parm, eggplant parm, scrapple, hashbrowns, corned beef hash, corned beef sandwiches, roast beef sandwiches, the Paesano from Paesano’s – you know, it’s got brisket and a fried egg and stuff, I usually get their roasted potatoes with it, lasagna, fettuccine alfredo, stuffed mushrooms, ravioli, stuffed shells, rollatini, sausage and peppers, kielbasa, bratwurst, pierogies, dumplings, General Tso’s chicken, fried rice, lo mein, lamb saag, chicken tikka masala, doner kebab, gyros – usually lamb, souvlaki – usually chicken, burritos, tacos, taquitos, fajitas, quesadillas, chips and salsa, chips and guacamole, ribs, pulled pork, pork belly, pork chops, fried chicken. . . .”

“You already said ‘fried chicken.’”

“Oh, sorry.  I guess that’s about it.”

“What about burgers and hot dogs, you don’t like those?”

“Oh yeah, those too.  Cheeseburgers.  Always a dog at the Phillies game.”

“You don’t eat fish?”

“Sometimes I get fish and chips at The Abbaye.”

“No fruits or vegetables?”

“. . .”

“Well, the chart says you’re overweight, but not obese.  You must exercise pretty often?”

“I play a lot of basketball and soccer.”

“Listen, Drew, you’re young, but you’re gonna have to change your eating habits.  If your diet is really limited to the foods you described, you’re eventually gonna blow up like a balloon and you’ll have some health issues.”

“. . .”

“And come back and see me more than once every ten years.  You should get a physical every three years.”

Drew left the doctor’s office and stopped at Rustica for a couple of slices en route to The Druid’s Keep, where he had six PBRs throughout the evening.  By the fifth PBR he was hungry again, but a slow, mesmerizing version of the doctor’s voice hung in the air around him.  “You’ll blow up like a balloon, Drew,” the doctor said inside Drew’s head, like all the foods he craved were his own personal Red Ryder.  ‘You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.’  “You’ll blow up like a balloon, Drew.”

The following week, the doctor’s warning lingered, and Drew ate healthier than he ever had as an adult, losing five pounds in the process.  Learning of his lower weight effectively silenced the doctor, so Drew went back to eating whatever he wanted whenever he wanted.  The five pounds returned to his body post haste.